Fall Brings Procrastination

Fall is here and with it comes procrastination. I'm scheduled to take the Miller Analogies Test in 13 days and I have a lot of work ahead of me! Pretest score: 57/120. Not looking so good. I have about 1000 vocabulary words to learn, and hundreds of other items from historical events to social scientists to brush up on. Again, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Thankfully, as a result of my procrastination I have a spotless house, no dirty laundry and a to-do list that is quite short. I've put it off long enough, so it's time to jump on the studying...or maybe I'll clean the garage! Seriously, it's time to focus!

What's New?

Well, it's been a while. Summer is always a crazy time, busier than usual, and this summer is no exception. Truth is, I can't say what I've been doing, just the same old same. I think my blogging time was replaced by reading time...thank you, Kelly, for introducing me to Emily Griffin! And of course, there's the whole kid thing, seems to keep me on my toes.

It's been a good summer though. Highlights include hiring a babysitter! Such an awesome idea. I have so enjoyed getting a break. Much needed, in deed! Trading in my beloved Honda Accord for a much bigger Honda Pilot so the girls and I can have a little leg room when we're driving. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with friends this summer which has been so much fun! Though I haven't gone yet, I'm so looking forward to visiting my best friend from college, Joslyn, in DC later this month. And as always, watching the girls' constant growth and change is amazing.

Enter Teething! Though I can't say this is actually a highlight, it has sapped a lot of my time and energy so far this summer. Cannot wait for this to be over! On a brighter note, they're learning so much now. Always on the move, usually running. Someone actually said to me the other day, "wow, they get around well for having such short legs." Not sure, is that a backhanded compliment? I am the first to admit my girls are a short, but I'm still laughing at that one. They're trying so hard to talk now and actually have a handful of words. Hi, bye, sissy, ball, bath, trash, dog, duck, etc. In spite of their ever growing vocabulary they prefer barking, which they do constantly. Until very recently anything on four legs barked according to the girls. The older the girls get, the more fun I have. Looking forward to the next couple of months to see what else they have up their sleeves.

Still planning on going to grad. school fall of 2011. Once applications are available, I will apply to CSU and Metro's MSW programs. I'm actually leaning toward Metro's program now despite their newness and lack of reputation. It ultimately comes down to convenience at this time in my life and Metro's campus is only 25 minutes from the house compared to the hour long drive up to Ft. Collins. I think I've even figured out the direction I would like to take my career. I would love to be a part of the mental health treatment of Type 1 diabetics. As a diabetic, I feel like this is largely ignored though it is a huge part of having diabetes or any chronic illness for that matter. As I have not even applied for school yet, there is a huge possibility that this will change, but it is comforting thinking that I have a plan.

I will start taking a few classes required for admittance in the fall. I think I have about three or four to do. This will be a nice transition into full time school and will be mentally stimulating...something that has definitely been lacking in my life the last year and a half...no offense, girls!

Overall, life is good. It's been a good summer, but I'm ready for fall now, cooler weather and everything else it has to bring.

Insecurities

I'm very excited about my choice for grad. school and career to follow, however, with this excitement comes many insecurities. First, I'm horrified that I won't be accepted into the program. For the most part I have all of the requirements to get in, except of course GPA. My undergrad. GPA is a 2.98 (I wasn't exactly an over achiever in college) and the minimum at CSU is a 3.00. The website does say that on occasion they admit students with lower GPAs who have displayed the ability to succeed in graduate level course work. What the heck does this mean? How am I supposed to show them I have the ability to succeed in graduate level course work when I've never taken a graduate level course?

Moving on, let's say I am admitted to the program...which I'm still not convinced I will be as of this moment...what if I'm not cut out for graduate level course work? Will I be able to juggle being a mom and doing a Master's program? Should I consider doing the part time program? I just don't know.

My last fear is writing a thesis. As of now, I feel completely unprepared to do this. I know what you're thinking, you haven't even started the program yet, of course, you're not ready to write a thesis. But, I'm afraid that even after doing all of my course work I will be unable to complete it. In college I was the type to put off writing my 15 page essay until the night before, and I know that's not going to work for a thesis.

The truth is, I believe all of this will work out. I am capable of doing this and I will find the support that I need to balance the girls and school. The trouble is I don't have a Plan B if I'm not accepted into the program. I suppose once I answer the "what if's" and become comfortable with the alternative this cloud of insecurity will go away. Until then, I will sit with it and keep my fingers crossed that I display the ability to succeed in graduate level course work!

YES, THEY ARE TWINS!!!!!

I have a few things to say about comments from the public about my girls.

1. YES, THEY ARE TWINS!!!!! You must be a freakin' genious!

2. Yes, They are both girls! Was it the pink shirt, pink pants, pink socks or pink shoes that gave it away?

3. No, it is not time for their nap! If it were, I wouldn't be out right now, I would be at home putting them down!

4. Yes, I do have my hands full! Again, you must be a freakin' genious!

5. And lastly, No, I do not care about your brother's girlfriend's cousin's friend who has twins! So please, spare me!

I Think I Figured it Out!

I think I figured out what I want to do when I grow up...drum roll please...I want to be a therapist! I've been throwing around a couple ideas for some time now, namely nursing and teaching, but I think I ruled both of those out and am going to get my Master's in Social Work. So, the whole nursing thing still sounds cool to me, but I think it comes down to the strength of my stomach, and I just don't have it. Blood, guts, etc. give me the heebie jeebies and I can't do it. As far as teaching goes I think that working in a classroom of 30 ankle biters will burn me out faster than sitting in a cube for a giant corporation. I'm a helper by nature, and until very recently I couldn't figure out what other kind of helping positions were out there. I'm pretty excited about it!

I've looked into CSU and DU's programs, and although DU's sounds awesome I think the price is just too high. CSU's program is two years, and sounds great too. Icing on the cake: I don't have to take the GRE...woohoo!!! The downside for all of these programs is that I can't get started until fall of 2011. At the risk of stating the obvious, that is a long time from now! I do need to get 450 hours of volunteer work out of the way before I can apply to the program so a start date of 2011 will allow me plenty of time to get that done.

I think I'm most interested in doing family counseling, though, a school social worker sounds interesting too. I am definitely not interested in agency social work. I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole! Anyway, I have time to figure it all out. Ahhhhh, purpose, what a great feeling!

Monroe, Louisiana

Let me just start by saying I have never heard of Monroe, LA, that is, until about 15minutes ago. My husband's client, Qwest Communications, was just bought out by a company that is headquartered in Monroe, LA. What does this mean of us? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I did just get a phone call from the hubbie asking if I wanted to move there. I think it would be fun to move somewhere, like an adventure. But I can't say I was thinking Monroe, LA, or anywhere in the South for that matter. When I think of moving I think San Diego, Hawaii, or somewhere overseas. That would be an adventure! But Monroe, LA? Ughh! According to the official Monroe website there is a swine flu outbreak, flood hazards and information on hurricane preparedness. Ok, um, not the best first impression! Hopefully Qwest (and thier business) will stay in Denver otherwise I'm in big trouble. I could be broke or a resident of Monroe, LA! Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Disrespectful, really?

I met up with a friend the other day who has a son a couple months older than my girls. We met at my friend's mom's house, weird, I know, but it is central to both of us so it worked. Anyway, there is absolutely NO baby proofing in the entire house and the strangest part is that the little boy (15 mos.) doesn't get into anything. Not a single latch on a cabinet, tables are full of doo-dads, mostly glass, picture frames everywhere, I mean nothing is protected. It took about 6 seconds before my girls realized they could reach all of the glass doo-dads and proceeded to try and grab every single item in the house. My friend's mom commented that her grandson is just incredibly respectful. Now, this has me a bit confused. Is it possible that my girls are disrespectful? Until now, I just wrote off their curiosity as, well, just that, curiosity. Isn't it normal for babies to explore their surroundings using ALL of their senses? And, isn't touch one of those senses? I'm not afraid to tell my girls, "no" when they are around sockets, getting too close to the stairs, etc., but I also have socket plugs and a baby gate blocking the stairs. Does this make me a bad mom that my babies aren't incredibly respectful, or, is it just really weird that this kid isn't going through the Tupperware in the cabinets? I'd like to think that he is a little off, but he really does appear to be quite normal aside from the lack of curiosity thing. Who knows, but I'm not going to write my girls off as disrespectful just yet.

Best Day Ever!

So, I'm minding my own business this morning when my dad called. Very calmly he said to me, "I got you a gift that you might like." Now I love my dad, but it is hit or miss with his gifts. I've gotten a fluorescent green, one size fits all Olympics hat: miss. Hand held roto-rooter: miss. I was skeptical. Let me just say, he hit the nail on the frickin' head this time. I am the proud new owner of a BOB twin jogging stroller! I cannot explain to you how awesome this thing is! Aside from the fact that it is the size of a Smart Car, it is wonderful! I LOVE it!!!

I've been thinking about my next stroller purchase a lot lately after my dumb-ass mom moment and a run in with some Thornton thieves, but I have not once mentioned any of it to my dad! Completely on his own, he goes to REI, buys a stroller (the best stroller ever) and now it's mine!

I went running, well, run-walking this afternoon, and it really is the best. It rolls so smoothly, turns on a dime and the girls were in shade the whole time. Big improvement from the Twin Jeep stroller I've been rockin' since the girls outgrew the Snap'N'Go. Anyway, life is good! Such a good day!

A Lot Has Been Happening!

In tune with my last post, I've been busy! The most exciting thing that has happened lately is the girls' first birthday! I know everyone says this, BUT, it went by so fast! I can't believe it's already been a year. It is incredible to see just how far they've come. They both can walk (well at least take a couple of steps before plowing into the ground), express themselves, chatter, play, and even joke. When the girls were itty bitty, people always used to tell me, unsolicited, of course, that it gets so much better. I brushed them off because I couldn't imagine that it could possibly be any more fun that it already was, but they were right!

I saw a one month old the other day and didn't miss it a bit! Yea, their sweet and cuddly at that age, but I would much rather be pushed away when I try to give hugs because there is nothing better than, fill in the blank: watching them rolling on the floor laughing, feeding themselves, seeing them get so excited they can't contain themselves when, again, fill in the blank: Daddy comes home from work, they discover a squirrel in the tree, they see chickens, ducks, rabbits, the list goes on and on! It is the best!

We celebrated their birthday at our house with friends old and new. It was mostly for Will and me because, let's be honest, they're never going to remember it! But it is important to celebrate these milestones because once we hit them, we can never go back. Soon it will be kindergarten and not too long after that, college. I look forward to watching them grow. If the years to come bring half the joy of the previous year, then I have a lot to look forward to!

Blog On...This One's for you, Kelly!

I'm laid back. I live life a little bit slower than some. Could be why I don't write as much as I should. I swear I'm busy. Though, my busy is looking a lot different than it did before kids. For example, today I was busy. 9:45: met tenant in Boulder (sans babies), did walk through of condo. 10:30: Target, desperately needed pacifiers and sippy cups. Home by 11:00 to relieve babysitter. 3:00: met friend (with babies this time) in Longmont for walk. 5:00: picked up Efrain's for dinner, Will's favorite!

Sure there was a lot going on between these tasks: 12 diaper changes, seven feedings, play time, nap time, break downs, laundry, dishes, etc., but when did all of this become my life? I suppose the answer to this question is obvious, but it's only just now becoming evident to me how different my life actually is now that I have kids. Why now? Perhaps because I'm finally coming up for air, perhaps because I'm bored, perhaps because I'm surrounded by people who in my opinion are doing so much "more" than me. I'm not entirely sure why, but I do know that I want "more" for myself too. I'm feeling inadequate, not because of the comparisons I make of myself to others, well maybe a little, but mostly because I'm not feeling fulfilled.

I'm stuck though, a crossroads I guess. What's next? I have NO idea! School? Back to work? Something new, something old? Again, I have NO idea! Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what to do. It seems like that would be so much easier. Until then, it's time for me to find purpose again. I just hope that I figure it out soon because today's busy just isn't busy enough.

Ughhhh...Bikini Photos!

So, it was a great trip, how couldn't five nights in paradise be a great trip, BUT, pictures are now coming up on my friend's Facebook pages and I can't say I'm all that excited to be tagged in photos with nothing more than a bikini! Ughhh! It is especially confidence busting that I'm standing next to really skinny girls. Don't these people know I had twins less than a year ago (I'm going to be milking that for as long as possible)! I can't say I look any different in a bikini now than I did before having kids. I guess that's good, all the baby weight is gone, but I also can't say I would have been pleased in bikini photos pre-babies. My non six pack abs of today are the same ones I was rockin' pre-pregnancy. I seriously considered buying a tankini for this trip, but after trying on the 10th one with a God awful print and no support, I decided it would be better to let it all hang out. Oh well, I guess it could be worse, this time last year I was pregnant and had horrendous back acne. Gotta love hormones!

Settled In

It seems to take so much longer to get settled into my routine after coming home from a trip now that I have kids, but I'm finally done. I am back. Bags are unpacked. Laundry is done, well, most of it anyway, and we're back in the swing of things here in suburbia.

I just spent an amazing five nights away on an incentive trip through my husband's work. First night was in Hotlanta at the W Hotel and the next four were in beautiful Puerto Rico. We stayed at El Conquistador Resort. It is stunning. Built on 500 acres, tons of pools, and its own private island with the most wonderful Carribean blue water. Check out the website because I can't give justice to how lovely this place actually is. www.elconresort.com Oh yea, and it was FREE! Keep up the good work, honey!

The girls stayed with my parents which sounds like it went really well. That or my mom lied, knowing that I would be overly worried if something weren't working. None the less, Grandma, Grandpa and the girls made it through the week without any reported troubles. THANK YOU MOM AND DAD! I really am lucky to have such wonderful parents close by so that Willy and I can do things like this. Oh, I must also extend my appreciation to my mom's book club. Two people visited daily (morning and afternoon) to relieve some of the burden. Again, thank you!

Overall, it was a great experience. First time away from the girls and I will definitely be doing it again! I'm in a better mood now that I'm back which I attribute mostly to the trip, but it can't hurt that the girls are sleeping again too. Life is good!

HELP!!! Two babies, no naps, and a mother losing her mind!

Like I've said, the first nine months were smooth sailing. But the last two have been miserable! I CANNOT get my girls to take naps anymore unless I'm driving. While it is very nice that they’re able to sleep in the car, the whole driving thing is old. I’ve put more miles on my car in the last month than my husband who has a commute and does outside sales. My transmission slips when shifting from first to second gear and though I’ve been told my car won’t just break down, it will continue to get worse until one day it no longer starts, I still have visions of me, the girls, side of the road and smoke streaming from my engine. That would really suck! All of a sudden an hour and a half of crying through a nap isn’t looking so bad.

I’ve tried everything. White noise, separating the girls, letting them cry it out, putting them down with a toy, wake periods of three hours (too long), two and a half hours (too long), and two hours (are you kidding me, they’re almost one and they can’t stay up for longer than two hours?). I even called the doctor, whom I adore, but he had nothing to offer. It just isn’t happening and I’m losing my mind.

I haven’t had a break for as long as I can remember. My husband is wonderful and insists I get out of the house on weekends, encouraged my signing up for the interior design classes (by the way, my teacher farted in class on Monday, more on that to follow), but there is little he can do to help during the week, and I need help. Do I put them in daycare one day a week and let the daycare staff deal with them? I can see it now, “11 month old twins kicked out of local preschool for not napping. Their return is not likely.” I just don’t know.

So, as I sit in my living room writing, trying to ignore the screams from above, I plead for someone out there to help me. Does anyone have any advice?

Step 1

In effort to "find myself" I enrolled in some continuing ed. classes at the junior college near my house. My first class was last night, Interior Design 1: Lighting. My husband got home from work early and I was off. Quick detour to the Wendy's drive thru...I NEVER ate fast food before I had kids...and off to school I went. I was giddy walking from my car to class. I couldn't contain my smile as I passed the other students in the hall, in fact, I was actually laughing.

Unfortunately, my class ended up only being so-so. I was expecting my teacher to be young, and well dressed with amazing accessories. She was more like Rose from the "Golden Girls". Old, awful suit, and the icing on the cake, she walked with a cane. Though very charming, she wasn't exactly what I had in mind. She spent far too much time on definitions and far too little time on, "a floor lamp would look really cute here..." I did learn that manufacturers now make CFL light bulbs that put out better light than the incandescents I have throughout my house. That will surely help my $250 Xcel bill, but won't do much for the overall look of my home. Oh well. Next week: Art and Accessories.

In Summary

I was working as a very unsuccessful realtor when I got married in June of 2008. It was always a dream of mine to be in real estate, but I had not yet realized that sales isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I now know that there is more to being a good sales person than having an outgoing personality…who knew??? Eight months and only one sale (the purchase of my own home, of course) into my dream career, my interest in real estate faded and my desire to have a baby was quickly taking its place! So my husband and I started trying. It didn’t take long, in fact, I was pregnant the next month. Little did we know I was carrying not one, but TWO, babies!

My due date was May 14, 2009 and I was now on the pregnancy roller coaster. Man, I wish I could have gotten off! I hated being pregnant! I was sick, tired, everything hurt and under the most stress of my life. Long story short, my husband’s niece and nephew (seven and four, respectively) moved in with us my entire second trimester. I left my career as an unsuccessful realtor to become a chauffer. I was driving four hours, much more if it snowed, a day so that the kids could remain in their schools while living at our house in a different district. At six months pregnant I could no longer keep up with the requirements of caring for two small children while carrying twins and the kids moved out. It turned out to be good timing because my babies would be coming much earlier than expected.

March 22nd at 11:16 and 11:18AM my beautiful daughters were born. They were 8 weeks early and spent about five weeks in the NICU. All I will say about this period in time is that I am so thankful for the extraordinary care they received from the NICU nurses and doctors at Boulder Community Hospital. They were WONDERFUL!

It is now 10 ½ months later. My girls are fat and happy and I am losing my mind! The first nine and a half months blew by. My girls were wonderful, did everything they were supposed to. However, the last month has been extremely difficult. My girls have replaced napping with crying and while are still their very easy going selves during wake time, overall sleeping issues have taken a toll on me. That coupled with what can only be described as self neglect over the course of their short lives, I am ready to do something else. I love my daughters dearly, but it is time to reconnect and redefine myself as both a mom and an indivual!