A New Year-School

I've been inspired by Kelly and Lindsay to throw it all out there! At the risk of sounding like a total and complete whiner I think I'll break this post into several as not to kill the reader...assuming someone is reading this...hmmmmmm??? Anyway, it's been a long time, I know, I know. A lot is going on but probably of most significance is school. I started grad. school for social work in the fall. This has been a bitter-sweet experience. I am so happy to be doing something outside of the home and I learned so much last semester. Also have to throw in that I killed it! I got all A's. However, I feel like my success at school was at the expense of EVERYTHING else in my life. I had no time for friends, no time for myself, spent most nights and weekends writing papers and away from my husband and kids. The laundry went undone, the house was trashed and I don't know that it was worth it. It is daunting to think that this will go on for four years because of my part-time schedule. And yet, I know it's not possible to go full-time with the girls being as young as they are. Maybe I should rephrase that, I don't want to make the necessary sacrifices to go full-time with the girls being as young as they are.

I started second semester this week and the heels they were a draggin'! I'm dreading Research Methods (CRINGE!!!) and part 2 of Human Behavior in Social Environment isn't the least bit exciting either. Part 1 consumed the better part of my life last semester and I'm not looking forward to kissing it goodbye again this semester. I've been anxiety ridden the last couple of weeks trying to figure out what is best for me and what is best for my family. I'm pushing on, and do think that school is a good move for me. Even though bailing on school, getting a part-time job at Pottery Barn and carving out some personal time sounds heavenly. Side note: In spite of Pottery Barn's terrible customer service AND poor quality of products AND generally bad personal experiences with the company, I'm 100% addicted and can imagine nothing better than getting a significant discount (in my fantasy it's at least 50%) on all the glorious Pottery Barn garb that I can get my hands on! Okay, back to reality: it's Saturday night and I'm sitting at Starbucks taking a break from reading for school. Ughhh!

I'll get into this more in future posts, but my biggest fear about school is that I'm not certain I am capable of juggling it all. As I sit here, with over 100 pages to read for next week, Sophie is home with a fever of 101, Ava is running around like a bat outta hell because she hasn't had exercise in three days due to said fever. Will is packing because he'll be out of town next week and if history is the greatest predictor of the future, the girls will be up at least three times tonight, starting about midnight. How am I going to do this? At times I feel like I'm in it by myself and the weight of the world lies on my shoulders alone. I'm almost always overwhelmed. I am worried about everything all the time and not sure what is the right path for me. While I'm definitely not at peace with this decision, I'm pushing on. Here's to chaos, anxiety and stress...I guess.

Fall Brings Procrastination

Fall is here and with it comes procrastination. I'm scheduled to take the Miller Analogies Test in 13 days and I have a lot of work ahead of me! Pretest score: 57/120. Not looking so good. I have about 1000 vocabulary words to learn, and hundreds of other items from historical events to social scientists to brush up on. Again, I have a lot of work ahead of me. Thankfully, as a result of my procrastination I have a spotless house, no dirty laundry and a to-do list that is quite short. I've put it off long enough, so it's time to jump on the studying...or maybe I'll clean the garage! Seriously, it's time to focus!

Insecurities

I'm very excited about my choice for grad. school and career to follow, however, with this excitement comes many insecurities. First, I'm horrified that I won't be accepted into the program. For the most part I have all of the requirements to get in, except of course GPA. My undergrad. GPA is a 2.98 (I wasn't exactly an over achiever in college) and the minimum at CSU is a 3.00. The website does say that on occasion they admit students with lower GPAs who have displayed the ability to succeed in graduate level course work. What the heck does this mean? How am I supposed to show them I have the ability to succeed in graduate level course work when I've never taken a graduate level course?

Moving on, let's say I am admitted to the program...which I'm still not convinced I will be as of this moment...what if I'm not cut out for graduate level course work? Will I be able to juggle being a mom and doing a Master's program? Should I consider doing the part time program? I just don't know.

My last fear is writing a thesis. As of now, I feel completely unprepared to do this. I know what you're thinking, you haven't even started the program yet, of course, you're not ready to write a thesis. But, I'm afraid that even after doing all of my course work I will be unable to complete it. In college I was the type to put off writing my 15 page essay until the night before, and I know that's not going to work for a thesis.

The truth is, I believe all of this will work out. I am capable of doing this and I will find the support that I need to balance the girls and school. The trouble is I don't have a Plan B if I'm not accepted into the program. I suppose once I answer the "what if's" and become comfortable with the alternative this cloud of insecurity will go away. Until then, I will sit with it and keep my fingers crossed that I display the ability to succeed in graduate level course work!

I Think I Figured it Out!

I think I figured out what I want to do when I grow up...drum roll please...I want to be a therapist! I've been throwing around a couple ideas for some time now, namely nursing and teaching, but I think I ruled both of those out and am going to get my Master's in Social Work. So, the whole nursing thing still sounds cool to me, but I think it comes down to the strength of my stomach, and I just don't have it. Blood, guts, etc. give me the heebie jeebies and I can't do it. As far as teaching goes I think that working in a classroom of 30 ankle biters will burn me out faster than sitting in a cube for a giant corporation. I'm a helper by nature, and until very recently I couldn't figure out what other kind of helping positions were out there. I'm pretty excited about it!

I've looked into CSU and DU's programs, and although DU's sounds awesome I think the price is just too high. CSU's program is two years, and sounds great too. Icing on the cake: I don't have to take the GRE...woohoo!!! The downside for all of these programs is that I can't get started until fall of 2011. At the risk of stating the obvious, that is a long time from now! I do need to get 450 hours of volunteer work out of the way before I can apply to the program so a start date of 2011 will allow me plenty of time to get that done.

I think I'm most interested in doing family counseling, though, a school social worker sounds interesting too. I am definitely not interested in agency social work. I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole! Anyway, I have time to figure it all out. Ahhhhh, purpose, what a great feeling!